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fatszination

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Wish I was single again...

[Jan. 6th, 2007|11:57 pm]

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Hello all,

A lot of things happened in my private life recently. I believe my wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a serious disorder which can sometimes make live a real hell for partners and families of BPD people. To cut a long story short, our marriage is in a serious crisis because some really unacceptable things she has done and continues to do with my family. We are still married, but I think mentally I have divorced her.

Anyway, this week-end I was walking in the city when my path crossed that of this beautiful big girl. I couldn't keep my eyes of of her. She had an unusual big bottom and thighs (at least unusual big for the country I am living in), but quite a thin but very cute face. From the shopping in her trolley you could tell that she was single and probably lonely. I imagine her on a dating website, plenty of men responding to her picture profile, having nice chats, maybe secretely falling in love, getting her hopes up that this might be *the* one, only to be brutally disappointed when her date tells her: "You have such a cute face, if only..." I can only imagine how many times she must have heard this.

I so much wanted to approach her and tell her that she is so cute and beautiful, but although in my mind I am single again, in real life I am not (yet?), so I didn't. I think it would also be awkward to approach someone in the supermarket and tell her you think she is really cute and because I am still married, I think it would be even more awkward, both for her and me. So I just enjoyed what I was seeing, went to the same check-out line as her and then our paths separated...

These are the moments that I wish I was single again...

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(no subject)	[Dec. 8th, 2006\|01:18 am]
Hello all, It has been a long time since I posted to my journal. There are several reasons for that, things that happened in my private life that have nothing to do with this and for which I will create a separate journal some day. In today's update I will give it a try to explain what it is like to be an FA. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- BEING AN FA. What is it like being an FA? How can I describe these feelings if I don’t understand them myself? Being FA is like being under influence of a drug, the drug of abundance, softness and voluptuousness. It affects hands and eyes. Being an FA is having a fire inside that never dies, a fire of passion for curves. It is a passion that is stronger than the reason. It is a passion for that fuller body that has been sculpted, painted and admired by the greatest of artists that the face of earth has seen. Being an FA is also about feeling and cuddling. Feeling your BBW, feeling the curves, the softness. Touching her belly. Holding her body tight and never want to let go. FATscination is what describes us best. FATscinated by the sensual curves and the softness of the bodies that we can’t resist. We are not perverts. Too many people think we only love that big belly, those big thighs or big breasts, but not who is inside. Certainly there are men like that who abuse women only for sex. But being a real FA is loving body AND soul. Being an FA is more than a sexual preference. BBWs are a reason for living. I know how to love, but not without you. There isn’t a day that goes by without thinking of you, without looking at you, admiring you. What would my life be without BBWs? Like a forest without leaves in winter. An FA is just a man like any other, but with other preferences. We can’t resist it, it is our instinct. It’s in us for as long as we can remember. We never looked at other women than big women. Being an FA can be like being a BBW sometimes. Being here, but no one who understands you and being rejected. Being an FA, is asking questions like “Who am I?” You don’t choose to be an FA. You live with it, and it can be hard! Hard to realize that you will never be like the others, caught between the attraction of the body and the lust for love. We undergo the same stares when we hold your hand. The insults: “Look at that fat cow. What’s that man doing with someone like her?” That hurts us as much as it hurts you. Being an FA is also caring and being supportive for your BBW, understanding that while you can hide your feelings in public, she can’t hide her body and has to face our fat phobic society day in day out. It is comforting her, making her feel secure, loved and beautiful. Beautiful, why can’t she see that? Yes, being an FA is often also wishing that she could see her self through your eyes. Being an FA is also claiming out loud at the internet that you love those bulges, the cellulite, the stretch marks and everything that “hangs”, being very brave in the virtual world but being a chicken in real life, afraid to express our feelings, especially when we are young. Being an FA is not knowing what to think of these feelings that are so different from our friends. These feelings that we don’t understand. Being an FA is being torn between your desire and social acceptance. Being an FA is trying to hide these feelings, to ignore them. It kept me awake at night, it made me insecure and unhappy. But being an FA is also growing up. It is also finding the strength, support and self confidence on that internet to confront the real world. It is realizing that that fire inside will never die. It can be falling in love with a skinny girl, but no matter how big the love, feeling incomplete without these curves to love, caress and cuddle. It is realizing that we are addicted to those curves and will never be complete without our regular shot of softness and abundance. It is realizing that we can’t continue living in this virtual world alone and that we HAVE to come out of the closet or be unhappy for the rest of our life. I am 33 years old and now live my life with my BBW wife, but I have been 18… Going out, watching my friends flirting around with the chicks they like. And me in my corner, admiring the graceful curves of the girls I liked… But I preferred returning home alone rather than undergoing the insults of my friends. And once at home in my bed, I re-lived the evening inside my head, but I changed the scenario: Now I did dare to approach her, told her how beautiful and sensual she was… Enjoying this virtual moment with her or crying in silence. You see, we are not so different because I know that you BBWs have had them too, those moments of dreaming of a better world and being loved. After centuries of admiration for the fuller body, the boy-girl arrived, a creation of our gay designers who needed a walking hall stand to hang their clothes on for showing. Short hair, thin as a stick, androgyne without colour or curves. Have they erased feminity? Since many years, mankind excavates the earth and finds relics showing the voluptuous woman as source of abundance, sculptures from lost times thousands of years ago, representing women full of curves. In other words, the BBW is of all times and so is the FA. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- With thanks to RiccardoFA, a French FA. He has a text on being an FA that is so recognisable that I have translated it and adapted it.
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Skinny models banned from cat walk	[Sep. 26th, 2006\|01:28 am]
Hi journal :) A short entry this time. Here in Europe, there has been a lot to do recently about the banning of models with a Body Mass Index of less than 18 from the catwalk in Madrid. This was installed after a model died from starvation on the catwalk. A BMI of 18 is still unhealthily thin (here in Belgium they were thinking of raising the bar to a BMI of >19), but I like the signal that is given this way: sticky is unhealthy and only attractive in the weird eyes of the fashion designer who are just looking for a walking stick to hang their clothes on. Let's hope that some of these models will now realise this and plump up.
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The opposite world	[Sep. 21st, 2006\|01:56 am]
Sometime ago I saw a Canadian documentary on Mauritania, and it was like going to the opposite world. In Mauritania, fat is the standard of beauty because in a desert country where food is scarce, except for a short period of abundance during the rainy season, it is associated with abundance and wealth. Apparently this originates from the time when the Arabs conquered the country and brought with them their princesses. Their princesses had plenty of servants, so they didn’t have to work at all and they spent their time laying around and indulging in rich buffets every day, and of course their bodies showed the signs of this abundance of food. There are many regions in the world where fat is a status symbol and a sign of wealth (probably more than regions where thin is in), but it looks like nowhere in the world fat culture is as comparable to thin culture in our society. In Mauritania, people who are thin are the outcasts. Women are supposed to be as big as possible and contrary to other regions in Africa, men encourage their women to live as sedentary as possible while men do the hard work. In the documentary, when comparing their body sizes, one woman was singled out as the “thin women”. She was really apologetic, saying that it was because of the dry season and you should see her during the wet season and during this year’s wet season she would definitely be much bigger. Another woman said: “Just admit that you don’t have the money to be fat.” See any similarities with fat women singled out in our society and New Year’s resolutions to embark on a diet? During the rainy season, when the cattle has plenty of food and produces plenty of milk, the women binge on the fat milk and try to pack on as many pounds as possible and hope that they can keep as much of their fat as possible during the dry season. And like children are put on a forced diet here, girls in Mauritania are put on a forced weight gain diet of fat milk and porridge so that they become beautiful and fat and marry a rich man. Usually they have a female relative of the family as their “coach” who makes sure they are constantly eating. And if the girls don’t fatten up enough, they are sent to a kind of weight gain camp or fattening farm. Unfortunately these girls are sometimes forced to overeat and punished severely if they don’t eat enough. A common punishment is that their fingers are jammed in a kind of trap so that they don’t feel the pain of their overstuffed belly anymore. Luckily this sometimes traumatising habit of forced feeding is on the decline, although according to estimations about 10% of the girls is still being force-fed. But the social pressure to be fat, especially on the country side, is still so strong that women now turn to dangerous weight gain pills that will help them pack on the fat, similar like women in our society do with diet pills to be slim. More people are now also living in cities where life is more active and women are often required to work, rather than living their sedentary life on the country side. This makes if more difficult for them to maintain their voluptuousness or to pack on the pounds. Weight gain pills are big business in Mauritania and the documentary showed some footage shot with a hidden camera that shows a random pharmacy sell plenty of illegal, dangerous fattening pills, normally used to fatten up cattle. However, the coming of TV in the cities is now also changing life in Mauritania. Especially the richer women, who settle in the capital and have satellite TVs or sometimes travel abroad, are now exposed to the beauty ideals of the West that only feature slim actresses in the glamorous soaps on TV. They are becoming their new role models. It is still a very small minority, but more and more women are starting to exercise to loose some weight. Maybe the start of a National Association for Thin Acceptance? But despite recent changes, this significantly decreases their chances to find a husband, because a woman exercising is almost blasphemy in Mauritania and most men still want a big wife, because otherwise people will think they don’t care enough for their wife. Wouldn’t it be nice if our society could be a bit more like society in Mauritania, without the extremes of course?
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Growing up as an FA	[Sep. 11th, 2006\|12:17 am]
In my previous post, I told you the story of my life. Now I want to focus a bit more on growing up as an FA. Of course this is how I lived this. For other FAs the experience may have been different. I found growing up as an FA not always easy. It means growing up with the feeling that something is wrong with you. As a young child I didn't wonder much about it. I was fascinated by big people, but at a young age, you don't realize that other people may find that strange. But when growing up, you soon realize that "thin is in" and that thin women are the women that you are supposed to love. And that fat is supposed to be ugly. It is difficult to feel normal when your friends make negative comments on the big women that you find so beautiful, but the thin women they found so attractive, didn't appeal to me. I went to a boys only school, so my contacts with girls were very limited and as a teenager, I didn't know any big girls. And because I didn't know many girls, let alone big girls, I didn't fall in love with anyone for a long time. Instead, I was fascinated by the fat boy at school. So here I was, a teenager with a fascination for fat and the fat boy and who didn't understand his thin-loving friends and didn't fall in love. It made me feel pretty weird and sometimes I even thought that maybe I was gay. So when I fell in love for the first time, shortly after my 18th birthday, it was almost felt as a relief. At least I felt a bit more normal now. But I did still feel isolated and not understood. What I missed a lot was talking about girls that I liked (maybe that's why I am boring you with this blog now :), like my skinny-liking friends did. You know, small things like commenting who you like when you are watching people on a sunny day, or at a party. But when your friends are quite negative about big girls, and even about the boys who date them, and when you think that you must be only one on the world who loves big girls, it takes a lot of courage to say: "Hey, i'm not normal, I like big girls." Courage that I didn't have. On top of that, I was very shy. When most of my friends had already had several girl friends I had even never kissed a girl, so that made me even more insecure. As I wrote in my first post, this is how years passed by feeling miserable about all the missed oportunities. Although I had lots of friends, the most beautiful years of my life passed in emotional solitude. Sometimes, like now, when I am writing this and re-living this, I still feel mad at myself for being so shy and such a coward. Because one "How are you?" at that time could have changed my entire youth and future life. For Americans, this is probably difficult to understand, because you make contacts with strangers so easily, but here in Belgium where people are a bit more reserved, this was a mountain too high for me. Lucky for me I discovered internet after I graduated. Internet has been so important for me, because it allowed me to speak out about my preference in anonimity and it made me realise I am not the only person on the world who loves big girls. I had lots of online discussions, often with narrow-minded people, but they did make me stronger and slowly I gained confidence until I was confident enough to start a relationship with a big, beautiful woman.
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My first entry	[Sep. 8th, 2006\|11:36 pm]
I wonder how many people have picked that as their opening line on LJ... No journal without an entry. For my first entry I though it might be a good idea to tell you a bit more about myself. Ever since I was a little boy in primary school, I was fascinated by fat. I remember my self staring at the fat kid at school. Yes indeed, THE fat kid, because here in the heart of Europe there aren't as many big people as in the States, especially no so many years ago. In my school, there was only one. It was just in a childish way at that time, but when I became a real teenager, my fascination moved from fat kids in general to fat girls. I was quite shy when I was younger (that has changed now), and growing up in boys only schools, girls were unknown territory for me. When I went to university, I had never kissed a girl and I didn't even know how to approach them. I fell in love easily but I had no idea how to let a girl know that I liked her. Yeah, you could say I was a total nerd! I had a lot of friends, i definitely was not a social outcast, but I was so insecure and the older I got, the more insecure I got. And of course the fact that I was attracted to big girls, made me even more insecure. I went to a lot of parties at university, but approaching someone at a party, no, that was not how I was going to meet a girl. I was hoping that I would meet a big girl, become friends and then gradually, somehow become lovers. But while in primary and secondary school, at least there was one fat kid, in my university class there were no big girls. Even in my circle of friends, there was no one with a big friend. Of course, when I went to dancing parties, there were usually a few big girls. There was one girl in particular who was often at the same party as me. She was quite big, but so attractive to me. I was secretly in love with her and I would spent the whole night thinking about how to approach her, but I never did. It's silly, because there really was nothing to loose, but my insecurity was way stronger than my desire. "After the next song I will go to her." and thereafter: "No, after the néxt song." So at night, I would return home alone, mad at myself, sometimes crying myself at sleep for having missed this opportunity yet again. Years went by, and I graduated from university without even having kissed a girl. It's only a couple of years after I graduated that I got an internet connection. That's when a whole new world opened for me. I quickly found my way to the world of size acceptance and I was relieved to find out that there are millions of other men like me who like big women. My self confidence grew, first on-line, and later also in real life. Until one day a couple of years later. Weddings are great places to meet new people. You often end up at the same table with friends of the newly weds that you have never met. And that day was my lucky day, because my neighbour that night was a beautiful, big girl. We got along very well so we agreed to see each other again. A few weeks later we were a couple, just the way I had hoped it would have gone ten years earlier: first friends and then gradually more than just friends...
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